How To Get Your Way

Vanessa Van Edwards teaches how to use words effectively to get what you want, focusing on verbal communication rather than body language.

• People often figure out what they want while speaking, which causes others to sense wavering positions • People struggle with asking for what they want clearly

Start with intention by deciding in advance what you want and your absolute bottom line before speaking.

Not planning your position beforehand causes others to pick up on uncertainty about your intentions.

Know your absolute maximum price or bottom line before negotiating. In the waffle maker example, decide you won't spend more than $3.

Use clear, concise, polite language without qualifying words. Instead of 'I'm not sure if this will work,' say exactly what you want: 'I will give you three dollars for that waffle maker.'

You can start at a lower price and be willing to go up to your limit, but maintain clear and concise language throughout.

Don't use phrases like 'Would you take two?' or 'I'm not sure if this will be okay with you,' as these show you're begging and reduce your power.

Tapping into feelings gives the other person a why behind your request, not just the what. This is especially important for relationships.

Instead of telling someone they're lazy, explain how the situation makes you feel: 'When the house is messy I feel really overwhelmed.'

After explaining the feeling and why, show them how complying benefits them. For example: 'I will be a much happier wife and happier person if you help me out.'

Use the structure: 'When [situation], I feel [emotion], I need [action].' Example: 'When you don't help me clean up, I feel overwhelmed, I need you to help me for just five minutes before bed.'

You don't have to reveal that you desperately want something, but you can use feelings strategically in negotiations.

For the waffle maker: 'I'll give you $3 for this waffle maker because I have to make sure I have enough money for everything else.'

Tapping into a feeling adds a new dimension to negotiations and helps the other person understand your reasoning without losing power.

Use: 'When we're gonna go out to dinner tonight I would like to go to [restaurant] because I have a hankering for that kind of food,' combined with clear reasoning like 'It was someone else's turn last time.'

You have to be very confident in what you're asking for when using these techniques.

These techniques require a little bit of courage, but the effort is worth it because the methods work.

The more you practice the when-feel-need technique, the easier and more natural it becomes.

These techniques work across various scenarios, from negotiating for cars to managing household expectations with family members.