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How to Get Out of The Friend Zone in 4 Steps (With Science!)

How to Get Out of The Friend Zone in 4 Steps (With Science!)

Vanessa Van Edwards15 min7 sept. 2021
6 chapitres
  • Understanding the Friend Zone(0'002'57)
    The friend zone, also known as buddy zone or non-romantic zone, is a relationship status between two people that is exclusively non-romantic.
    • They say 'I don't want to hurt our friendship' (meaning they don't see you romantically) • They comment 'I can't believe you don't have a partner' (meaning you'd be great for someone else) • They tell you 'You're like a sibling to me' (meaning no romantic feelings exist) • They bring other friends along, talk about their crush around you, or try to set you up with others • They do personal habits in front of you that they wouldn't do around a romantic partner
    The presenter friend-zoned her husband before they got married, and through following these steps, he was able to get out of the friend zone.
    There are four science-backed steps to get out of the friend zone, and you should master each step before moving to the next one.
  • Step 1: Become the Catch(2'575'08)
    Stop focusing all your energy on the other person and instead focus on yourself. If you are a great catch, it's hard for them to miss you.
    • Start reading, watching, and doing interesting things • Engage in self-development projects and tasks • Conquer a skill or learn a new language • Learn how to cook great meals like world-class pancakes • Learn how to dress well in a way that makes you feel confident • Consider learning a romantic language like Italian or French
    The more you feel like a great catch and build confidence, the more interesting and cool you become, which makes you attractive to hang out with and others will notice this too.
    This step is about you, not them. Make a list of qualities you want in an ideal romantic partner and work on those qualities yourself.
  • Step 2: Focus on Dopamine(5'088'08)
    Dopamine is the chemical of pleasure and excitement that makes someone memorable. It's triggered when people feel excited, engaged, motivated, or are having fun.
    • Try new restaurants, drinks, recipes, classes, and hikes together • Explore new podcasts, books, and documentaries together • Be the instigator of something new • Share funny gifts, videos, memes, and posts consistently • Be the cultivator of humor and funny content they'll want to receive
    The more dopamine you create with someone, the more they'll think of you and remember you. Eventually, dopamine becomes a habit, and every time they think of you they get a little pleasure from that chemical.
    You've created a dopamine chemical memory when they say things like 'It's always so fun hanging out with you,' 'You always make me laugh,' or 'You're the most fun person I know.'
  • Step 3: Build Oxytocin Connection(8'0814'07)
    Oxytocin is the chemical of connection and trust that's essential for developing romantic love. After they're having fun with you, they ask themselves 'Could this be serious?'
    • Initiate physical touch upon greeting and leaving (hug, high five, fist bump, cheek kiss) • Try small touches during interaction like shoulder touches or high fives when discovering something together • Make touch repetitive so it becomes a habit • Watch for invitation cues (smiling, leaning in, reciprocating touch) and patience cues (pulling away, shrugging)
    Give them the eye contact they deserve when together. Be 'eye contact ready' by making mutual gaze more often, especially in the first and last few minutes of interaction. Even if they're on their phone, let your eyes be waiting for them when they look up.
    Start with touch at greeting and exit, then progress to touch in between if hugs are comfortable and gushy. Stick with oxytocin building until you get only invitation cues before considering something romantic.
  • Step 4: Create Adrenaline Moments(14'0715'06)
    Research shows that when people do something risky or adventurous together, they develop more romantic feelings for each other.
    • Plan a road trip together • Go on a local adventure or exploration • Try something new together for the first time • Create a shared project or goal to work toward • Engage in activities that require earning, saving, and planning
    Doing something new together allows you to learn at the same pace and graduate together, creating a sense of connection and shared accomplishment.
    Taking a risk with someone and experiencing a bit of adrenaline together has been proven by research to trigger romantic feelings.
  • Final Advice and Conclusion(15'0615'42)
    The presenter and her husband created eye contact, hugs upon greeting, high fives, discovered things together, and consistently engaged in oxytocin activities before he asked her on a date.
    • Be brave and confident throughout the process • Work on yourself first and ensure your own self-worth • Make sure you feel like you're also getting a catch • Only take something romantic when you're getting invitation cues • Remember that if someone doesn't realize you're a great catch, they're the one missing out
    The presenter encourages viewers to like the video and share in the comments what they've tried and what's worked, so the community can help each other get out of the friend zone.
    The presenter thanks her husband for getting her out of the friend zone and getting her out of it, emphasizing that it is possible to transition from friend zone to romantic relationship.