5 Questions Every Couple Should Ask

Many couples fall into repetitive discussions about mundane topics like dinner and weekend plans, missing opportunities for deeper connection and intimacy.

The goal is to move beyond surface-level questions to reach deeper levels of intimacy in relationships.

Vanessa Van Edwards, author of Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People and Human Lie Detection, discusses research-backed techniques for meaningful conversations.

Researcher Dan McAdams identified three levels of intimacy that people cross when getting to know each other better.

General traits focus on personality characteristics like how extroverted or organized someone is. This is the easiest level to explore and understand.

Personal concerns include values, goals, and moral structure. This reveals what drives a person's decisions and what gets them up in the morning.

Self-narrative is the story people tell themselves about who they are, such as 'I'm a survivor' or 'I always have bad luck.' This level fascinates and is the hardest to reach.

Understanding these levels helps couples break through to meaningful conversations about personal concerns and self-narrative rather than staying at surface level.

The more vulnerable you are when answering deep questions, the harder your answers usually are, and the more honest and truthful they become.

Consider carefully who would receive these questions. If you don't feel comfortable being vulnerable with someone, that might not be the right person to share with.

These 36 questions were developed by Arthur Aron at Stony Brook University to help people break through the three levels of intimacy.

• Bring up 10-12 questions casually at dinner parties • Send one question per week in a group text • Do one question every date night with a partner • Build them into regular conversations with friends

Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

This question explores level one intimacy by uncovering interests and what type of person someone would enjoy talking with, whether family or celebrity.

• Oprah Winfrey • Historical figures or celebrities • People the respondent admires

This is one of the easier questions to use as a starting point for deeper conversations.

If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

This question is usually the hardest for people because it requires reflecting on how childhood shaped who they are today.

It delves into level two and three intimacy by uncovering values, goals, and self-narrative while exploring who someone is versus who they want to be.

Someone might say they wish they were raised with a father figure, leading to discussions about how that absence shaped their identity.

If you could wake up tomorrow having gained one quality or ability, what would it be?

This is not asking for superpowers but rather realistic qualities or abilities like athletic, intellectual, or musical talents.

The answer shows what someone values about themselves and what they feel is missing, revealing personal aspirations and self-perception.

Patience is a common answer, as gaining more patience would help someone focus on details and be more compassionate with others.

Is there something that you've dreamt of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?

The second part of this question is even more important than the first because it reveals self-narratives and what's holding someone back.

• Whether someone blames themselves or external forces • Whether they blame excuses or other people • Whether they think they're not good enough • Whether they feel limited by circumstances

• Traveling the world • Starting a family • Going back to school • Quitting a job • Learning a language

What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

Accomplishments are not always big life goals and can include small but meaningful moments like telling someone you love them or starting a business.

This question shows how someone defines success and what they personally value as meaningful achievements.

• Publishing a first book • Starting your own business • Telling someone you love them for the first time • Creating meaningful opportunities

These questions should not be done fast. Instead, do one per day or one per date night to allow for meaningful discussions.

The complete set of 36 questions is available on Vanessa Van Edwards' website and Facebook page, with only 5 highlighted in this segment.

These questions can be used with partners, kids, adults, and best friends to deepen relationships across different contexts.

Share this video with one person who could benefit from these conversation techniques to enhance their relationships.