The Relational Paradox: The Deep Hurt of Hiding Your True Self

We desire deep, fulfilling relationships but worry people won't like us for who we really are, leading us to hide parts of ourselves.

• Fear of rejection causes us to hide our true selves • People can't truly know us when we're hiding • This prevents the fulfilling relationships we actually want • Our fear of not being liked becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy

• Secret parts of our identity • Troubled past experiences • Neuroses that embarrass us • Issues, challenges, mistakes, failures, fears, and secrets

Even when people do like us, we constantly worry they'll discover the real truth, trapping us in unfulfilled relationships and a spiral of unhappiness.

• Issues from our past • Problems or challenges that embarrass us • Mistakes or failures • Fears and secrets • Small things like getting a parking ticket • Big things like hiding sexual orientation

We believe the best way to be accepted is to leave a part of ourselves out of relationships, convinced that if people knew our insecurities, past history, or secret habits, we would lose the relationship entirely.

While hiding might preserve a relationship temporarily, the cost is that the relationship never feels legitimate—people like a false version of you, which makes you feel even more inherently unlikable.

The longer you participate in the paradox, the more pain you feel and the more unworthy you become, requiring intervention and reassessment of your relationships.

• People who judge you • People who make you feel unsafe • People who are 'question marks'—you don't know how they'll react to your true self

• Do you trust this person with your feelings? • Can you count on this person? • Does this person treat you with respect? • Do you feel safe disagreeing with them? • Do you feel a sense of belonging with them? • Do you treat each other as equals despite differences? • Do you feel more energetic in their presence?

If you answered mostly yes, consider opening up slowly. If mostly no, these people might not deserve a place in your life at all and may need to be minimized or removed from your relationships.

You deserve to be around people who accept you for who you are—all of who you are.

• Choose people you really want to stop the relational paradox with • Select people you think might be amazing advocates • Focus on people you're hopeful will accept you

• Set aside one-on-one time with them—it's easier to be vulnerable in intimate settings • Tell them you want to get closer to them • Give them the ultimate compliment by expressing that you care and want deeper connection • Tell them about your new thinking and self-exploration journey

If they responded well to the first two steps and showed genuine interest and asked questions, they're the right person to deepen vulnerability with. If they sneered or made fun of you, reconsider having them in your life.

Watch for the five good things: desire to move deeper, sense of zest and energy, increased self-knowledge, desire to take action, and increased sense of worth for both parties.

Dr. Jean Baker Miller discovered that the only way to fight the relational paradox is to create and maintain mutually growth-fostering relationships where both parties feel that they matter.

• A desire to move deeper into the relationship because of how good relational experiences feel • A sense of zest or energy in the relationship as opposed to draining or toxic • Increased knowledge of oneself and the other person • A desire to take action both within the relationship and outside of it • An overall increased sense of worth

As you share more of yourself, check if both parties are experiencing these five good things. If not, slow down and take it one experience at a time.

If you have one or two of these mutually beneficial relationships, you are rich in love. They are worth the effort and scary honesty because they make you feel more worthy and more honest.

The goal is for you to be able to be your true self with more people, which might mean ending unsafe relationships where you won't be accepted for your authentic self.

The speaker learns by teaching and every video comes from sometimes painful personal experiences, creating content motivated by the desire to help people.

• Grateful for the audience allowing them to have the YouTube channel and share these thoughts • Thank you for acceptance and kindness • Shares, comments, likes, and subscriptions show that the content helps people

Thanks for your friendship and support as you work toward being your true self with more people in your life.